[Guest blog by Carly Fauth]

There is a scene in the movie The Hurt Locker where Jeremy Renner, who has just returned home from combat in Iraq, is standing in a grocery store cereal aisle. He finds himself unable to physically move down the aisle because he’s so overwhelmed by the choices and contrast between what he has just been through and where he is now. So he just stands there. Staring. This scene has been playing over and over in my mind lately because I can relate to his mental anguish. To be honest, I have felt like I have been standing in that exact cereal aisle since finishing chemo. 

I thought my last day of chemo was going to be a huge celebration. I imagined the relief and excitement I would feel having some of the most challenging days of my life behind me. I considered it a closure on a chapter of my life I didn’t really want to read anymore. So when I got home from chemo, sat on the couch and started crying, I was kind of shocked. The happiness I was so looking forward to feeling was nowhere to be found. In its place, I felt sheer terror, along with a deluge of questions running through my head: What if the cancer comes back? What if I have to do chemo all over again? What if someone I love gets sick? How can I just be on my own now? Shouldn’t I be taking a pill or something to prevent a recurrence? Why do my teeth hurt? Did the cancer spread to my gums? 

And then came the wave of guilt. I started thinking of every person I met in the chemo room at Dana Farber who happened to be on a much more brutal journey than mine. I thought of the woman who had been doing chemo for two years and had no end in sight. I thought of the man whose cancer has spread to his bones and was living on borrowed time. I thought of the single mom who had little kids and was trying to wrap her brain around how she was going to take care of her babies and fight cancer at the same time. I could see myself in every story and felt terribly uncomfortable knowing I had a ton of hope in my journey, but still couldn’t seem to enjoy it. I had come up too close for comfort to my own mortality and that was really hard to make sense of.

What I started to realize over the next couple of days was that the journey I had been on since February, when I got my diagnosis, was not over and it never will be. It’s just entering a different phase. I will never be the same Carly I was before all this happened. It’s going to take some time for me to unpack the last six months. I need to figure out a new place for all the memories and emotions because the space I have known up until this point hasn’t had to accommodate them. In order to cope, I have had to put on blinders and armor and push forward in the only way I know how. Somehow I have to remember how to feel and not have it send me into a complete panic. I need to be patient with myself. 

Struggles, challenges, and tragedies change us. Even if there is a happy ending, it can take some time to actually feel anything close to relief or joy. Our eyes have been opened to new thoughts, feelings, and fears. We’ve witnessed things we never imagined, and that can be completely overwhelming to the body, mind, and soul. It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to wish things were different. Feel the feels. Allow yourself some grace. Take the time you need and don’t be afraid to talk about it with the ones you love. You will get through this. 

Carly Fauth is a fitness instructor, movement mentor, and founder of FitFunCarly, a virtual fitness program that helps people get fit in just 15 minutes a day. A lifelong advocate for mental health through fitness, Carly’s passion for wellness deepened when she was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer in February 2024. As a survivor, she now uses her journey to inspire others to unlock their own extraordinary personal strength and overcome life’s obstacles. She also created the GIFTT+ movement mentorship program specifically for cancer patients.

During chemotherapy, Carly launched her podcast, Chemo Coffee Talk, straight from her infusion chair at Dana Farber. She continues the podcast from her home studio, offering hope, resilience, and real conversations to cancer patients and caregivers. Carly is also the author of, Pray for the Bear, which provides insight and motivation to help you unlock your inner strength and face life’s hurdles head-on. Find Carly on her website FitFunCarly.com.

Carly is part of the Official NCSD Speakers Bureau Roster.